Most people will say and ask, "kelan ka magkakaanak?", "Ba't wala ka pang anak? Tumatanda kana, baka mahirapan kana magka anak", "gusto ko na ng apo", "mag anak kana din", "ikaw kelan ka, napagiiwanan kana?", "Ang payat mo na, hindi ka bagay, tama na exercise, wag kana mag diet", etc. How would you handle and feel if that is being said to you? What do you think will be the effect to someone mentally and emotionally? Madali kasing sabihin kesa gawin at panindigan dahil hindi naman ikaw ang nasa position.
March 2020 was the start of the pandemic. Many of us are affected by our school, work/career, businesses, family, income, and especially our health not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
Most of us are staying at home with a sedentary lifestyle. A lot of Filipino got tested positive for COVID-19, and some are exposed to or experiencing symptoms of the virus. In September 2020, I also experience the signs and symptoms of covid-19, not just that, I feel that my body is so heavy, that I had difficulty breathing even during a simple task that I need to catch my breath. I'm always sitting in front of the screen attending meetings, training, and webinar, no exercise and I'm not really a fan of exercising, and that's not included in my daily routine.
One day, one of the members of the Vitality Community approached me to join the 30-day challenge in Jump Rope. I got interested because this is one of my childhood games. I thought it was easy because you just need to jump. So I bought a rope but the rope was not applicable for workouts because you need PVC (may ganun pala?), so I bought the regular rope in Jump Manila from Lazada and started it. It was fun and I posted it on social media. The fun part is I met new friends from the Vitality Community, in AIA Philippines and encouraged some of my Facebook friends, so I make them my accountability buddy. The reason why I am posting on social media is that I want to inspire and make them my accountability buddy and I'm sure there are a lot of Marites out there and will wait for the result. hahaha I also want to share the importance of exercising regularly to prevent any illnesses and a sedentary lifestyle. The most interesting part also is I won as a Vitality Coach in our company, AIA Philippines. That's the start of my journey as a Vitality Nurse and I really thank one of the fathers/mothers of Vitality Coach, Michael Masirag for helping me create my brand and to get out of my comfort zone even though I haven't met him personally.
After I won as a Vitality Coach and created my brand as Vitality Nurse, I got overwhelmed. There's so much on my mind that I need to do and doubt myself. During those times, I learned the basics of jump rope, hula hoop, Zumba, yoga, and meditation. I also started blogging, vlogging, and podcasting. I am really learning a lot, especially on how to be productive at home and in my business but I had real difficulty balancing and it really affects me mentally, emotionally, and financially. I'm kinda perfectionist so sometimes I got stuck in the area that needs to improve. Since I am a financial advisor and a leader, I want that what I am sharing is also what I am doing "walk the talk". How can I educate someone to plan their finances if my finances are not okay? I'm not really good at selling and recruitment. There's also a lot of procrastination. How can I train my advisors to do the things that they need to do if I am not doing it because I had so many things to do and I don't know how to balance them.
2021 was the year that I continue what I am doing especially for my brand as Vitality Nurse and the group that I am building for my team, Amazing Grace. That's the year that I am building myself first, building a strong foundation, and also helping other people. I want to be healthy so that whatever happens to me or anything that will come to me, any challenges I can overcome because my foundation is strong. This is the year that I am really challenged physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, my health was affected, I stopped or I seldom do exercise, I stopped caring for myself and other people, until now, I had problems in decision making, I transferred location to look for a job with active income that can support my monthly expenses because I am not earning enough with my business. I am still exploring and looking for my "ikigai" but I'm out of focus. I wanted to start a family but there were a lot of challenges me and my partner are facing. I keep on looking for my purpose in life, what should I do, why I am doing this, and who is this for. I keep on searching but still, I am lost. I don't know what to do and I am drained. My world is turning upside down.
In 2022, a new year, a new beginning, I thought everything will be okay, and everything that I am planning is working smoothly. I continue working in the hospital while doing my business as Insurance Entrepreneur, and I also have a part-time job in which I do home service for flu and pneumonia vaccines. I was happy and excited, I am learning new things, and parang tumutuwid na yung daan.
January 4, 2022, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a mixed emotion. I was happy because this is one of my dreams and I was waiting for it for a long time. I really really wanted to have a baby but we are not yet ready financially and we are not yet married. Sabi nga nila, pag anjan na, makakaya mo din yan.
On January 9, I have a scheduled appointment in Pasay for a home service of pneumonia vaccine but I went home first in Caloocan to get the vaccine and other vitamins from my mother. Before leaving, I went to the comfort room first, and tadaaa! There's a blood spot on my underwear! I did not expect it to happen because I think I'm healthy. I immediately drink Duphaston to keep the baby intact. On January 10, I had my first prenatal check-up and I was advised to have a 2 weeks bed rest. I need to take Duphaston every 8 hours for 14 days. It was depressing because the medicine is expensive and I just started to work, and it's no work, no pay policy, we don't have HMO benefits as a front liner, I don't have an emergency fund, and I did not continue paying for my HMO, my partner has no job, I cannot focus because I keep on worrying instead of looking for a solution and focusing on my health and the baby. I cannot do household chores, do the laundry or cook, I just need to rest in bed but I'm still so stressed, we keep on fighting and I keep on crying. I know it's not healthy for the baby but I can't control my emotions because of the situation I'm experiencing. The blood flow is increasing so I decided to go home to Caloocan with my family so they can take care of me. But then again, I feel so stressed, feeling ko pabigat ako kasi wala akong ginagawa at hindi ako sanay na walang ginagawa. I worry a lot because there's still a spot, I need to buy the medicine, I have no income. Yung sabi nila na makakaya mo naman yung gastusin kapag anjan na, pero hindi e, iba parin kapag pinaghandaan mo kasi imbes na mag focus ka sa pagpapahinga at pagpapagaling, nag woworry ka kung saan ka kukuha ng pambayad. Madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin.
Magtatagalog na ako para with feelings! hahaha
1 week na ang nakalipas pero hindi parin nawawala ang spotting, mas lalong lumalakas, so nagpa check up ulit ako, close pa naman ang cervix, continue parin ang duphaston para kumapit ang baby. Alam mo yung imbes na mag focus ako sa pagpapagaling, magpaka healthy, mag bonding sa pamangkin at family ko, hindi ko ginagawa, panay ako search ng search ng sagot kung bakit, paano pero puro signs of miscarriage lang ang nakikita ko. Lagi padin ako umiiyak at naiistress. Nung mag dadalawang linggo na ang spotting at nakanapkin na ako kasi lumalakas na ang bleeding, tinanggap ko na kung ano man ang mangyari. I gave up. I offer everything to the Lord, kung hindi talaga para sakin, huwag na ako pahirapan pa, tatanggapin ko. A day before ako nakunan, nanaginip ako na pag tingin ko sa napkin ko, may malaking clot at wala na si baby. Nagising ako ng madaling araw around 12:30am dahil sobrang sakit ng puson ko, nung umihi ako malakas din ang dugo na parang may regla ako. Hindi ako makatulog kasi parang may umiikot sa puson ko at sobrang sakit, iniisip ko nalang na baka nag fform na si baby, pero hindi padin ako makatulog sa sobrang sakit kaya nagdadasal nalang ako ng Our Father, Hail Mary at Glory Be hanggang sa makatulog. Around 7:30am, gumising ako at ramdam ko na malakas ang tulo ng dugo kaya tumayo ako para pumunta ng CR at mag palit ng napkin, pag tayo ko, ang lakas ng tulo ng dugo na tumulo na sa legs ko (parang yung mga nasa teleserye lang). Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi pa ako pumunta sa ospital kasi papasok nadin naman si mommy sa ospital, sabi ko obserbahan ko muna. Siguro nasa denial stage pa ako. 3pm yung schedule ng ultrasound at ng OB para magpa check up so mga 2pm, naligo na ako. Nung maliligo na ko, nakita ko sa napkin na may konting blood clot, mejo nagtataka na ako nun, at nung pag hugas ko sa shower, ayun na nga, lumabas na si baby, hinila ko siya. Agad ko tinawag mga kapatid ko para ipakita at itago. Nanginginig ako sa kaba, hindi parin ako makapaniwala, hindi ako makaiyak, hindi ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko. Hinatid na ako ni ate sa ospital at sinamahan ako ng kapatid ko. Kailangan ko ma admit at raspahin kasi kailangan matanggal ang mga natira. Alam mo yung ako yung nurse na nagttrabaho sa OR, 1st time ko magkaron ng operation tapos ganito pa ang nangyari.
Nasa OB ER lang ako while waiting sa operation ko ng 9pm. May katabi din akong patient na mangangak, may mga nagpapacheck up, meron din katulad sa case ko na may spotting. Then naririnig ko yung heart beat ng baby ng katabi ko (nakakaiyak kasi sakin walang heart beat). Naka 3 tusok din ako bago ma sweruhan at ang laki pa ng needle. Kinuhaan dn ako ng dugo, alam mo yung pain na nararamdaman ko, halo halo. Gusto ko umiyak pero ayaw ko umiyak dahil mag isa lang ako dun at nagpapaka strong din ako. Tinatago ko yung nararamdaman ko at siguro nasa denial stage pa ako.
Nasa government hospital lang ako kung saan nagttrabaho mommy ko kasi wala naman ako budget para mag private hospital. You know, this is the sad reality of life. Yung gusto mong magpagaling ng maayos, gusto mo maibigay yung best care para sayo, kaso kung hindi mo napaghandaan, kailangan mo mag tiis at parang wala kang karapatan mag reklamo. Nag trabaho din ako sa private hospital as a nurse, kita at ramdam ko na iba yung treatment at care na binibigay sayo. Pasalamat lang ako dahil empleyado ng hospital mommy ko kaya mas maayos yung treatment na pinapakita sakin unlike sa ibang patients.
Alam mo yung isang nakakahiya? Dahil isa akong financial advisor pero ako mismo walang insurance, health card, emergency fund, philhealth at sss, lahat yan hindi ko nabayaran. Napaka irresponsible ko. Isa yan sa mga dahilan kung bakit nahihiya din ako makipag usap o mag alok ng insurance kasi ako mismo, wala. Hindi ko ginagawa ang mga sinasabi ko, dapat walk the talk. How can I educate other people if me myself is not educated? Dito ko mas lalo na realize ang kalahalagahan ng lahat ng mga tinuturo ko dahil pag dumating yung mga hindi inaasan, wala kang madudukot kung hindi pinaghandaan. Nakakahiya na sa ibang kita pa yung dudukutin mo na sila din naman may kanya kanyang gastusin at responsibilidad. Yung kahalagahan ng emergency fund, 3-6months ng monthly salary mo dapat meron tayo nakatabi tulad ng cash or bank na madaling withdrawhin dahil sa mga panahon na wala kang trabaho tulad ko, may hindi inaasahang sira o pangyayari, meron kang mapagkukuhaan, o may madudukod pa. Paalala, magkabukod ang emergency fund at health emergencies fund or critical illness and hospitalization.
Naniniwala ako na everything happens for a reason. Siguro gusto muna ni Lord iparanas sakin to para matuto ako, maging handa at mas lalo ako maging malakas physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. Parang natanggalan din ako ng tinik nung natapos na. Parang binigyan ako ng pangalawang buhay. Si baby yung kailangan mag sacrifice para mabuhay ako at magpatuloy sa buhay.
Pagkatapos ng mga nangyari, nag decide ako na tumigil muna sa pagttrabaho sa hospital, sa pagiging financial advisor at sa ibang pinagkakakitaan ko para magpahinga at makapag focus sa overall health ko. Hindi naging madali ang lahat ng mga nangyari pero alam ko na may mabuting plano si Lord sa akin.
Hindi ko pinagsisihan ang lahat ng mga nangyari dahil lahat ng mga yun ay may aral na natutunan. Hindi pa huli ang lahat para mag simula at ayusin ang mga nasira.
Maraming maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga taong nanjan para tulungan ako at umintindi sakin lalong lalo na ang pamilya ko, boyfriend ko at pamilya nya at mga kaibigan.
Shema, kung nasaan kaman ngayon, kahit 8weeks ka palang, alam kong masaya ka na at ikaw ang magiging guardian angel namin.
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